I wake up in the afternoon and head out of the dolphin to Greg's room to use his shower."Man that's some big assed bus you got there. You guys in a band?"
America is obsessed by ass. A continual stream of ass. Stupid ass, wild ass, crazy ass, lame ass, big ass, I'll kick your ass, kiss my ass. Ass this, ass that. Everyone's ass mad. I find this surprising as it's one of the most openly homophobic countries I've been to. Why is everyone so obsessed with ass? Answers on a postcard to 'Why America is obsessed with Ass competition', PO Box 59, Nottingham, NG2 4BQ. All entries must arrive before December 1st and all winners will be notified by post.
Day off. Ass. Here we are in Rochester. The lack of blood around Greg's lips suggests that doesn't appear to have had an aneurysm this morning, and so I'm assuming he made that date with the Canadian consulate while I slumbered like a babe in my bunk. Like it or lump it kids - Pitchshifter are coming to Canada.
As I finished my Chinese meal today (for breakfast - thank you) I started to realise that fortune cookies are beginning to take a hold of this tour. As we don't have a stove, we eat out a lot. We are all vegetarian and so the choices are limited in the great melting pot (of meat). There's usually a Chinese restaurant in most towns and they usually have a few death free noodle dishes, and miraculously they fully understand the art of cooking without cheese (please take note Denny's Wendy's etc.). So we hit the Chinese a lot. The problem is they always give you a fortune cookie. Times that by the nine people in our crew and it only takes a few visits to the Chinese a week and suddenly you have a pile of fortunes. They're supposed to be fun, but they always seem to be so ominous. Today's offering read:
'YOU WILL PASS A DIFFICULT TEST THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER'
(Accompanied by two 'smiley' acid house faces.) I don't like it. That sounds evil. What's the test going to be? Cavity search test? No, I don't like it. Then I got to thinking. How cool it would be to produce the cookies. Think of all the minds you could warp if you had a control over the fortune papers. I could try and get people to actually think. It could revolutionise dining:
'YOU WILL REALISE THAT BLACK PEOPLE ARE NO DIFFERENT ON THE INSIDE' 'YOU WILL SEE THAT NOT EVERYTHING ON THE NEWS IS NECESSARILY TRUE'
'ONLY BY READING BOOKS BY BURROUGHS AND THOMPSON WILL YOU LIVE LONG AND PROSPER '
What the fuck am I thinking? It'll never work. Not enough meat dishes. If you could stain those slogans right into the veins of red meat straight from the cow's back . . . now you're talking. You could hit all the fast food joints too. There's no way they could escape you. Propaganda laden Blackpool rock meat. I like it. The picture: I wanted to show you the glamorous life we lead on the tour bus. This is one of those luxurious bunks on the dolphin I keep mentioning. Please note the ceiling height, yes it does take you a few days to remember to duck when you wake up.
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